When I moved to a new city, a goal of mine was to forge friendships and meet people, so I tried the ‘pick up interesting hobbies’ advice to achieve that end.
The goal being to cultivate an ‘interesting lifestyle’ so as to have things to share and talk about.
I decided to learn guitar.
Music wasn’t and still isn’t my forte, but I decided to pick it up as I believed this would be an incredible stepping stone.
After browsing Amazon for a while, I got myself an acoustic guitar, downloaded the Guitar Hero app, and started lessons.
My goal was to practice consistently, 10 minutes a day, to become competent within a year. I stuck to this plan for the first few weeks.
I was a total noob, so I spent most of my time learning basic chords, riffs, and strumming techniques. This phase was pretty boring to be honest, as my strumming didn’t produce anything coherent, let alone impressive.
Fantasy vs the Mundane
It is funny how when you pick something new, you envision yourself performing at the highest echelon of it, and not once does the mundane grind cross your mind.
But this fantasy is what sets the stone rolling, as without a vision of what could be, we wouldn’t even try in the first place.
If it’s fitness, we picture the perfect physique. If it’s a business, we imagine wealth and impact. If it’s a relationship, we see sunsets and magic moments.
For me, it was playing the acoustic version of the Godfather theme with unmatched impeccability.
But soon reality set in: missed notes, awkward transitions, and weak chords. But with discipline and consistency, I slowly got better at it.
This is true of many things in life.
When you start something new, you will struggle because, in essence, you are teaching yourself to walk. You stumble, you fall, but with time you find your rhythm. With enough persistence, you get good at it, to the point where you can even run operating at a god-like level in the field you have imposed yourself.
Discipline and consistency are powerful. If you apply them to almost anything, you will eventually become competent, perhaps even attaining the pinnacle of excellence at the endeavor.
But this power is a double-edged sword. It can cut you if improperly wielded.
Imposition of Will
The truth is that we have the capacity to impose ourselves against things that we don’t even like. Some, whilst unpleasant in the beginning, often turn out to be in our favor when we impose our will.
Just because you can get good at something doesn’t necessarily mean it is a worthy pursuit. Especially when it wasn’t rooted in genuine interest.
Take fitness again.
If you are fat and decide to get in shape, your resolve will be crucial to attaining that goal. But equally if not more important is the framework within which that willpower is channeled.
If you are doing it for yourself, you will be intrinsically motivated to seek that outcome. You are doing it because you love and respect yourself.
But if you are doing it because of a perceived external beauty standard, then even if you reach your goal, the sense of fulfillment may never come. Because the outcome isn’t measured by your standard but depends on the approval of others, which you have placed on a pedestal. A game you cannot win.
Both frameworks lead to the same outcome — a good physique. But only one grants a sense of peace and fulfillment.
Authenticity
Often, we miss that some of the things we do or aim toward aren’t really for ourselves, even though at the surface we may tell ourselves they are.
For me, guitar was a gateway to becoming interesting, which was a flawed goal to start with. I didn’t start learning because I loved music. I did it because I wanted to seem interesting to other people.
Whilst I got good at it through sheer will and discipline, I realized that I didn’t really care about it. Even in conversations I never found an authentic way of talking about the craft, as it never meant much to me to begin with.
Beyond the surface of looking like a man with many talents, there was no depth. I was just another person who knew how to play the guitar. There was nothing personal or unique to my perspective on it that could be shared with others.
It was an added stat line to my personality to farm interest whilst not meaning anything to me.
What helps us connect with others is the personal meaning behind the things that we do. When we share something that we love and enjoy on our own terms, without seeking affirmation, we draw others in.
It starts with the self — engaging things we find interesting and then finding an interesting way to share it with others. People care less about you being a jack of all trades.
They seek depth to what you are.
Don’t Force It
The advice about picking up new hobbies is solid, especially when you are new to an area and trying to meet people.
But we often forget the most important part: pick hobbies you actually like.
Not ones you think will make you more “visible” or “interesting” to others. Otherwise, you risk pouring time and effort into something you don’t care about while neglecting the things you do. And in doing so we lose ourselves, becoming slaves to what we perceive others desire.
The same applies to people. We often bend ourselves to fit into circles that don’t align with who we are. We pursue connections with people who don’t share our values because we fear being alone. We become beggars to existence, fueled by scarcity and insecurity in the self. This leads to compromise and eventually resentment.
Or we try to convince others to see our point of view. But that, too, can be a waste of energy. Sometimes it’s better to just nod, smile, and move on.
The truth about existence is that it is your own. You have to live it on your own terms.
Life is too precious and short to be spent on endeavors that you deem uninteresting or relationships that don’t resonate with you. And I think we should make peace with this.
It is OK to drop things.
It is OK to walk away.
It’s OK to not be for everyone.
You’re not meant to be.
What matters is that you build a sanctuary within yourself. That is investing your time and energy in things you truly care about, things that you are interested in and have a deep appreciation in.
And from that place, you extend an invitation to others. Some will accept and stay. Others won’t. And that’s perfectly fine.
Just don’t try to force yourself upon something or someone because you feel you should. You are here for too brief a time to live like that.
Pursue what interests you. Connect with those whom you resonate with and share values with. That’s how you build a fulfilling life, rich in both activity and connection.