As children, we go through life obeying our parents and heeding their guidance. In our early years, we are extremely vulnerable, as our faculties aren’t sufficiently competent to identify and navigate the obstacles around us. Our parents act as stewards and shepherds, offering protection and guiding us through the chaos our limited understanding cannot fully grasp.
It is a huge privilege to be parented — to be protected from the dangers within and without, while gradually building our own identities in a physical and emotional sanctuary of our parents’ creation. Eventually, we become parents ourselves, passing along the shelter we once received.
Parenting The Self
Some may not have had this privilege. Your parents may have been physically or emotionally absent, forcing you to fend for yourself. You first had to create your own sanctuary, before you could individuate yourself.
Essentially you had to learn to parent yourself, a task made even more difficult when if you had siblings who require the same parental support you lack. You find yourself juggling multiple roles: you are simultaneously a child, a parent, and a sibling. However, the brutal reality of existence prematurely forces you into adulthood, denying you the joys and freedoms associated with childhood.
You end up bearing great suffering in the process of becoming a parent, trying to navigate life in your inadequacy whilst trying to cultivate love and belief in your abilities, that you can do it, and that you have to do it, because you have no other option.
The isolation is profound: your peers can’t relate to nor comprehend your struggles, so you are left on your own, admiring or envying the great treasure that your peers have in their families.
Harsh as it is, I have deep respect for those who carry this burden of parenthood for themselves and their siblings. In learning to parent themselves, they often gain valuable skills and insights to nurture those placed in their care in a manner that they lacked, but understand is needed to shepherd someone.
Human Idols
For most people who have present parents, however, it’s common to place them on a pedestal. As children, we see our parents as wise and experienced, and we try our best to follow their recommendations. Should we come short, they correct us, even if that means handing out punishment when their words fail to reach us. Through these interactions, they earn our trust and they become our refuge and source of counsel.
This reverence is wise, but it can also slip into parental worship. We elevate them idealistically to the extent that we accord them god-like status, forgetting that they are human. That they they are not infallible, and that, like all human beings, they can make mistakes or act out of weakness.
While this is something that naturally goes away as you mature, I have realized that some continue to cling to these unrealistic ideals, setting themselves up for disappointment and resentment.
You might expect them to be all-knowing and perpetually protective, so it can be shocking when they overlook or misunderstand a situation and fail to shield you. Even more jarring is the realization that they might take advantage of your vulnerability — something you never imagined these “god-like” figures would do.
Naivety, especially toward those close to us can blind us from the exploitation or hurtful behaviors at play from those close to us. We gaslight ourselves into thinking that it’s OK, telling ourselves something like “They are my parents, they wouldn’t do that”, even when your gut is telling you something is off.
When we finally come to terms with it we can become resentful, and the greatest source of this resentment is usually in learning that our parents are not the perfect protectors we assumed them to be. That’s why betrayal hurts more when it comes from those close to us.
Reality and Forgiveness
Understanding that our parents are human beings with their own flaws and weaknesses does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions, but it can help us avoid compounding our resentment with shock and disappointment.
In recognizing their humanity, you learn to forgive them.
Even when they hurt you.
Even when they gave up on you.
Even when they abandoned you and left you to fend for yourself in a dark chaotic world where you needed a guiding hand.
Forgiveness is cathartic. It frees you of the burden of resentment and hatred that would otherwise sour your heart and make it bitter. People often see forgiveness as one-sided, but it is a gift to both parties. You release the weight and move on.
For unsalvageable situations, you learn to let go. You accept that this was merely a chapter in your existence. A chapter that you didn’t have a choice over, but one which you may not let define the rest of your journey. You extract lessons from it, using them to become the kind of guardian you wished you had.
For those who maintain a relationship with their parents, accepting them in their humanity could deepen your bond. When you perceive them in their fullness, you learn that you could be of help to them. You can offer counsel, advice, and emotional support, becoming a parent of some sort to them, whilst enforcing boundaries to protect yourself.
By working to understand your parents’ weaknesses, you can potentially resuscitate your relationship with them if it was in the pits, or you could elevate it to greater heights if things were already great.
Ultimately, letting go of unrealistic expectations is essential to fostering connections with your parents. If they treated you well, remember that even the best parents have flaws. Your gifts could be used to help them address their flaws, allowing them to grow.
If they utterly failed you, you won’t take them for absolute evil, but rather flawed beings who didn’t meet your needs. From that, you can learn to move on, without harboring a heavy burden of anger or sadness.