Since ancestral times, human beings have been wired to live communally—a trait shared with many living things. This communal living helped us survive by allowing us to care for one another, mitigate threats, and overcome challenges.
These communal aspects of living persist through families, friendships, and societal structures that uphold shared values today.
Every relationship or social structure begins with the individual—the fundamental building block.
Individuality
Our habits and beliefs coalesce to form the substance of our identities. We manifest these traits through actions and interactions with people. These personalities are unique, which brings an enriching element to our relationships.
Unlike animals with predictable behavior, human actions remain unpredictable until we truly engage with one another. We have autonomy compared to crows somewhat, as our actions aren’t subject to biological determinism. Moreover, our beliefs and values are ever-evolving as we strive to find the qualities that would best befit our existence.
It is in this dissimilarity that lies the beauty of the human soul. We learn to appreciate differences, enhancing our interactions and expanding our worldviews.
The Need to be Accepted
As much as we have been blessed with our uniqueness, societal pressures often push us towards conformity.
While meaningful connections are essential for our wellbeing, we at times compromise our authentic selves for the sake of acceptance.
The desire for connection exists at the core of each soul, and we at times unwisely suppress ourselves for the sake of it—similar to satisfying hunger with junk food instead of nourishing ourselves with wholesome meals.
There are certain realms in which appealing to group expectations is useful; take politics, for instance. People who act this strategically usually have a strong sense of self.
When it comes to personal relationships, however, such disingenuity erodes the authenticity of connections. This inauthenticity often stems from an unconscious place—a deep-seated fear of isolation that, at its core, is a discomfort with the self.
Hiding from the Self
People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.
– Carl Gustav Jung
We often avoid looking inward, fearing what we might find underneath the hood. Admitting our anxieties, mistakes, unresolved pain or harmful behaviors is a painful process.
This instinctive avoidance is rooted in psychological self-preservation—a defense mechanism to protect yourself from the discomfort of acknowledging aspects of the self that conflict with one’s idealized self-image.
For example, if you pride yourself on being kind, you might avoid reflecting on times you acted selfishly to the detriment of others.
Rather than sit down and work through this discomfort, you seek the company of others as temporary refuge from yourself. You cannot bear your own existence, so other people become crutches.
You take more than you give, always fishing for validation and approval. While they may not show it, those who interact with you find it draining having to reassure and validate you ad infinitum. You are essentially a beggar.
You never truthfully show yourself, deceiving people and denying them the true depths of your being.
I have done this countless times. I have projected myself in certain ways to appear cool and gather validation, and whilst it gained me temporary acceptance, I was merely a charlatan. The wages due to me were connections built on pretense rather than genuine understanding.
You can only put on a mask for so long. People will pick up on your disingenuity, and while they may still associate with you, you will always be at a distance.
You might amass associations, but they will be hollow, ironically compounding the loneliness you sought to escape in the first place.
Solitude ≠ Loneliness
People often conflate solitude with loneliness, but they are fundamentally distinct.
Loneliness is a perceived absence of meaningful relationships. We can’t escape it. It is something we will experience at certain points of our lives.
Life’s transitions—loss of a loved one, relocating, or shifting careers—could offer us loneliness. At times, it could be a consequence of change. When you evolve in your beliefs or values, you often have to let go of people stuck in paradigms you have outgrown. This creates a space in which loneliness thrives until we find connections that align with our new path.
The journey through loneliness begins with embracing solitude—a conscious choice to invest time in the self, engaging in self-reflection and pursuits we consider meaningful.
This practice helps you appreciate the many blessings that have been accorded to you—things you would normally overlook without careful introspection. You learn to recognize the abundance granted to you daily, in each moment, and in each breath.
The foundation of solitude is self-acceptance. We must first acknowledge our inner landscape—both the light and the darkness. Resentment, envy, anger, fear, despair, anxiety, and doubt are inescapable. You will bear them at some point during the course of your existence.
You will be plagued by darkness, and it can be daunting to face the shadows.
But you have the capacity for faith, courage, wisdom, and belief—instruments of light that can dissipate the darkness and help us navigate through it.
You can tell the inner child to not be afraid of the dark.
You can tell it that all is well.
You can tell it that the stars shine brightest in the darkest of nights and that it falls so that it can learn to pick itself back up.
You don’t place prerequisites to accept yourself. You recognize that even in your flaws, no matter how much you might have failed yourself, no matter how much you have been failed or people have given up on you, you have yourself, and you are the greatest companion that could ever be for yourself.
By facing the skeletons in our closets, we disarm them of their power and reclaim agency. We learn to cultivate inner peace that helps us bear our existence.
From this place of self-acceptance, we learn to give in our relationships from a place of abundance, from a place of self-love rather than a quest to fill an inner void.
Abundance vs Scarcity
A relationship at its core is an act of giving—sharing your self with others.
Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.
– Alan Cohen
Let the self be a tree that nurtures and supports, rather than a cage that constrains.
A cage confines the birds it catches, an attempt to hold on to what is not truly one’s own.
A tree welcomes the birds to perch and even nest on it. The birds may visit and depart, yet the tree stays, extending its branches as it grows and flourishes, offering sanctuary to those who seek it.
Don’t become a beggar to existence.
The privilege of life is becoming who you are and sharing it with others, those who would appreciate it in the course of this finite journey.