Niceness in itself is a good attribute; idealistically, we would aim to apply it maximally. However, being human, there is nuance that comes with applying this trait.
Our world is driven by incentives, and consequently, virtue plays a minimal role in the decision-making process for most people. To complicate matters, decisions are usually approached with a scarcity mindset and a zero-sum attitude: “
There isn’t enough for everyone and if they win I lose.”
Predator-prey dynamics are thus a consequence, people seeking to take advantage of others. If you’re overly nice, you will attract vampires who will sap the blessings of your existence.
You will get fleeced and left destitute, and if you let the resulting resentment poison your soul, you might lose any hope for good, and in response, shift to the extreme opposite of kindness.
Sometimes, it takes such experiences to realize that naivety is punished by human nature. Most people often learn the hard way that niceness if not tempered with rationality is foolish and costly. This is why niceness is discouraged in society, especially amongst men, as it would make them ineffective leaders.
This isn’t to say that niceness is inherently bad. Rather, applying it naively is unwise, because many people are weak and will likely give in to their base impulses, taking advantage of your perceived ‘virtue’. Human nature is flawed, and we have to keep each other in check.
You do this by rebuking others or punishing their ill behavior. At times, keeping another person in check involves demonstrating your ability to be unpleasant, as this is often the only way for them to understand.
If you’re always nice when situations don’t require of it, you reinforce behaviors that ultimately erode your relationships.
That is human nature. You might assume that just because you grew up with someone, they share the same values as you. You’ll be deeply surprised to learn how wrong you can be, and how you can unintentionally enable someone to manifest their worst qualities, simply by offering them external approval.
For our autonomy, we are still vastly limited in our reasoning, and with our different capabilities and intuitions, it’s clear that some people are more likely to destroy themselves if their weaknesses are enabled.
For such individuals, a good way of breaking them out of such defective and malignant internal systems is punishing them or expressing displeasure whenever they exhibit such actions. This breaks them out of a loop which if left unchecked could birth atrocities.
Of course, if they were strong enough they would be able to unshackle themselves from the shortcomings of their internal faculties. But I have come to realize for some, this is impossible.
I have made such a mistake in one of my close relationships. I noticed patterns and in my naivety, I assumed they saw things the same way I did. They made mistakes, and in trying to be nice (although I was acting deceitfully by withdrawing my honesty) and respecting their autonomy, they further plunged themselves into destruction.
When I decided to finally act, things had gone way south, and a huge blow had been dealt to the relationship.
Criminals thrive under the indulgence of society’s understanding
Ras Al Ghul’s words whenever I recollect the events of that situation.
Sometimes, people have blindspots they don’t recognize, which makes them susceptible to pitfalls even when they are confident in their abilities.
Niceness, at least the kind I practiced, incapacitates you from doing what is necessary: keeping that person in check, even if it means being unpleasant to them. That is what it takes to divert them from destruction, even if they hate or dislike you.
So be it.
Even more sinister is the inherent narcissism behind such behavior. You care about appearances. You want to look nice and composed. You fear being disliked, even momentarily. You want to always look good in the minds of those you associate with, and all you do is catered towards maintaining that ‘perfect’ image of yourself.
It is all a PR stunt. The thought of someone seeing you in a negative light puts you at unease, and you can’t bear to have them see you differently than the version you project.
You inaccurately believe that if people associate you with good, they will connect with and love you. But this is all vanity. Human beings connect through our strengths and flaws. We bond more deeply through our struggles, pain, and suffering.
People are never really able to bond with you due to your well-crafted persona devoid of suffering and the careful concealment of your weaknesses (which could be blindspots you could receive guidance with). They are also denied of your honest brutal faculties that could help shepherd them from their blindspots.
By gatekeeping yourself in your relationships, you ironically deny them the depth needed for them to flourish. In trying to play God, you exacerbate your own loneliness.
In your attempt to draw people closer through a false artificially crafted persona, you push them farther away. In seeking to avoid the void, you inadvertently created one, and the pain compounds itself, consuming you.
Eventually, that thirst for authentic human connection will reach its breaking point and force you to change.
Or you’ll stay in the abyss, your authentic self reaching destruction, and the false nice persona you created becoming your identity.
Not a good person. Not a bad person. Just not a person at all.